It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. For those who know me, you know this is not terribly uncommon. I often awaken late at night, hungry! Sometimes the nocturnal hunger comes from increasing my training volume and not getting enough calories during the day. Times like these, it's after a long stretch of being sick and not being able to eat much for days or weeks at a time.
So, I have had my snack, and need to go back to bed. However, I want to scream and shout and let it all out (yes, that's a song!) instead. I want to go for a run in the moonlight because I can. I want to feel my heart rate increase and the blood pump through my veins, because I CAN. I want to celebrate feeling GOOD again and being able to participate in LIFE for an entire day yesterday with my boys.
I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but for me it is a huge victory! It is the first day in weeks or perhaps months that I have not had to crawl back in bed during the day because my body won't function and the pain/fatigue is severe.
Seeing the sunlight through my blinds and wanting so badly to be out participating in life had become an all too familiar feeling. Having the energy today to do anything besides go to work and come right home to "crash" has been A-MAZING.
I am up at 3:00am because I want to enjoy each precious pain-free moment. It may be late/early, but my head is clear. My fingers aren't hurting as I type and I am not dizzy or nauseated. My stomach and back are NOT cramping as I type and the sharp, hot knife that has been plunging in both, has been removed.
I know better than to bank on better days ahead. All I can do is enjoy this very moment and soak in the joy of being able to participate in life again. I held my boys way too long last night and we stayed up way too late. I have no regrets and neither do they. I can't tell you how many times my 8-year-old told me he loved me yesterday and that he was so glad I was feeling better. At one point he asked me if this was a miracle that I was feeling so much better. It kills me that he has had to observe his mom being so sick for most of his life. My 4-year-old knows nothing else. It is normal for him to have a sick mom. They both know they have a mom who lives each day in chunks/blocks: sleep, activity, sleep, activity, sleep, activity, and then sleep some more.
Thank God for yesterday. I woke up, we went to worship service, lunch, and then had a FULL day at Hawaiian Falls, followed by ice cream. I did not have one dizzy spell or nausea. I was not in a daze or "trying not to pass out" at any point in time yesterday. When we came home, I had the energy to play with the boys and do their nightly routine (bath/stories). Walking up the stairs was not a nightmare yesterday and I did it multiple times without joint pain, JUST BECAUSE I COULD!
I wish I did not have to rely on modern medicine. I have tried every diet and supplement known to man to try and abate the symptoms of my Crohn's Disease. I have learned that I can do the best I can to stay strong and healthy, but much of it is beyond my control. I have learned to rely on the only one who truly knows my health and my future: My Creator.
I know not how many days on this earth I have to live but He does. He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows how my life will play out until the end. If ever a time to praise Him for allowing me to continue living and enjoying my life it is NOW.
So at 3:00am I REJOICE in gladness and in health. Remicade may be my miracle drug for now and I will appreciate each and every moment that I can. I will not take one single moment for granted. No, I am not fighting cancer. I don't really have a chance to "beat" this nor does it have a solid "end" point. My disease is a silent killer with no cure. It wants to destroy my insides and does so with all its inflammation and power. On the outside I look no different from anyone else. To many, I am a "picture of health". Trust me when I say it's because I have trained for years and years to keep this body strong and my life depends on it. I want to maintain a strong temple that is prepared for battle at all times.
The medications I take to give me hope and life may very well cause cancer one day. They subject me to infection, other diseases, and I must be monitored closely to watch for toxic effects on my organs.
I take these risks to embrace time outside these walls. Time with my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my new friends, my FTC athletes and Strong Women (who I adore) and my best friend/biggest cheerleader, Sean. I want more time with all of them.
For now I will resist the urge to run in the moonlight! I will at least wait a few more hours and try to get a little more sleep so I am not too tired tomorrow. :)
If you aren't enjoying each and EVERY second of your good health, I beg you to do so. It is a GIFT. I challenge you today to cherish that gift and be thankful. Have a little more patience with your children today, hug them just a little bit longer, smile at a stranger, listen to a friend, remind those close to you of how much you love them, and DANCE because you CAN! Celebrate because life is worth celebrating, and so are YOU.
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