"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." Proverbs 24:10

I woke up this morning with a renewed fighting spirit. Despair has tried to set in as I battle once again the war that rages within me. I found my deepest darkest place earlier this week. My reflection revealed the hard cold truth of what my future holds: UNCERTAINTY is the only CERTAINTY.

That is true for each of us, but for those of us that battle chronic illness we know that there is no stability to our state of health. Each day presents some sort of challenge. It may be extreme fatigue, nausea, abdominal pain, mental fog, joint pain, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, or vertigo. Those are a few of the symptoms that Crohn's disease likes to throw at me on a daily basis.

I was reminded this week that I am among the handful of many Crohn's patients that do not respond well to conventional treatment. I started with oral medications and worked my way up the chain to the big guns of IBD: the biological agents. I have now successfully failed treatment with Humira and Enbrel. Failing treatment means that my body is still in turmoil, attacking itself, wild with inflammation despite attempts to suppress it. 

It's not a fun feeling at all. :)  I sleep more than anyone knows or realizes. It's shameful and something you want to hide as not to be perceived as "lazy". Plans are constantly canceled, commitments are broken daily. Essentially, you feel as though you are a prisoner in your own body.

I write this NOT for sympathy but for a few simple reasons:

1.)  I need to put my feelings down in writing and commit TODAY (thank you, Amy) that I will keep fighting even when it seems hopeless. Crohn's is NOT welcome in my body and I will do everything in my power to destroy it and not let it destroy me.

2.)  I want to bring awareness to a silent killer that physicians still don't know how to treat at its worst. Many Crohnies will die under the guise of "infection" or from a lymphoma/cancer that was caused by the treatments that give us quality of life.  Yet another case of the treatment killing us rather than the disease itself. Trust me, I would LOVE to not undergo treatment at all. I have tried to come off my biologic once before and it was not a pretty sight. For some of us, it's not an option to come off our medication unless we want a one-way ticket out of this world. :)

3.) We ALL have our struggles and none of them are more or less important than the others. Whatever your challenge is today affects you just as mine affects me. Perhaps at a different magnitude, but nonetheless, it is your battle.

So today, let's commit to fighting our battles. Whatever it is you have given up on (or almost given up on) RENEW your courage and strength TODAY. Don't stop fighting. There are many who struggle with you. 

I ran today and it was a far cry from Ironman training. I ran two miles easy and will run another two later today. My new training plan is to get as strong as I can before starting Remicade and during the course of treatment stay strong, focused and determined. 

Let's train together to fight our current and upcoming battles. Renew your commitment today to fight for what you believe in. For me, it's my health, family and loved ones. I can't give up. I believe God has bigger and better plans for me in this life.

I am going to post this raw and unedited so forgive my mistakes. Thanks for all those who support me on a daily basis.

Final thought: 

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."

-Helen Keller