It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. For those who know me, you know this is not terribly uncommon. I often awaken late at night, hungry! Sometimes the nocturnal hunger comes from increasing my training volume and not getting enough calories during the day. Times like these, it's after a long stretch of being sick and not being able to eat much for days or weeks at a time.
So, I have had my snack, and need to go back to bed. However, I want to scream and shout and let it all out (yes, that's a song!) instead. I want to go for a run in the moonlight because I can. I want to feel my heart rate increase and the blood pump through my veins, because I CAN. I want to celebrate feeling GOOD again and being able to participate in LIFE for an entire day yesterday with my boys.
I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but for me it is a huge victory! It is the first day in weeks or perhaps months that I have not had to crawl back in bed during the day because my body won't function and the pain/fatigue is severe.
Seeing the sunlight through my blinds and wanting so badly to be out participating in life had become an all too familiar feeling. Having the energy today to do anything besides go to work and come right home to "crash" has been A-MAZING.
I am up at 3:00am because I want to enjoy each precious pain-free moment. It may be late/early, but my head is clear. My fingers aren't hurting as I type and I am not dizzy or nauseated. My stomach and back are NOT cramping as I type and the sharp, hot knife that has been plunging in both, has been removed.
I know better than to bank on better days ahead. All I can do is enjoy this very moment and soak in the joy of being able to participate in life again. I held my boys way too long last night and we stayed up way too late. I have no regrets and neither do they. I can't tell you how many times my 8-year-old told me he loved me yesterday and that he was so glad I was feeling better. At one point he asked me if this was a miracle that I was feeling so much better. It kills me that he has had to observe his mom being so sick for most of his life. My 4-year-old knows nothing else. It is normal for him to have a sick mom. They both know they have a mom who lives each day in chunks/blocks: sleep, activity, sleep, activity, sleep, activity, and then sleep some more.
Thank God for yesterday. I woke up, we went to worship service, lunch, and then had a FULL day at Hawaiian Falls, followed by ice cream. I did not have one dizzy spell or nausea. I was not in a daze or "trying not to pass out" at any point in time yesterday. When we came home, I had the energy to play with the boys and do their nightly routine (bath/stories). Walking up the stairs was not a nightmare yesterday and I did it multiple times without joint pain, JUST BECAUSE I COULD!
I wish I did not have to rely on modern medicine. I have tried every diet and supplement known to man to try and abate the symptoms of my Crohn's Disease. I have learned that I can do the best I can to stay strong and healthy, but much of it is beyond my control. I have learned to rely on the only one who truly knows my health and my future: My Creator.
I know not how many days on this earth I have to live but He does. He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows how my life will play out until the end. If ever a time to praise Him for allowing me to continue living and enjoying my life it is NOW.
So at 3:00am I REJOICE in gladness and in health. Remicade may be my miracle drug for now and I will appreciate each and every moment that I can. I will not take one single moment for granted. No, I am not fighting cancer. I don't really have a chance to "beat" this nor does it have a solid "end" point. My disease is a silent killer with no cure. It wants to destroy my insides and does so with all its inflammation and power. On the outside I look no different from anyone else. To many, I am a "picture of health". Trust me when I say it's because I have trained for years and years to keep this body strong and my life depends on it. I want to maintain a strong temple that is prepared for battle at all times.
The medications I take to give me hope and life may very well cause cancer one day. They subject me to infection, other diseases, and I must be monitored closely to watch for toxic effects on my organs.
I take these risks to embrace time outside these walls. Time with my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my new friends, my FTC athletes and Strong Women (who I adore) and my best friend/biggest cheerleader, Sean. I want more time with all of them.
For now I will resist the urge to run in the moonlight! I will at least wait a few more hours and try to get a little more sleep so I am not too tired tomorrow. :)
If you aren't enjoying each and EVERY second of your good health, I beg you to do so. It is a GIFT. I challenge you today to cherish that gift and be thankful. Have a little more patience with your children today, hug them just a little bit longer, smile at a stranger, listen to a friend, remind those close to you of how much you love them, and DANCE because you CAN! Celebrate because life is worth celebrating, and so are YOU.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sliding Doors
It's that mistake you made that had consequences. It's that mistake you made that nobody knew about. It's that plane you missed, the guy/girl you "gave a chance" when you were single, or maybe it's the day you took the stairs instead of the elevator. It's the little things like that in life that simply passed you by, or did they?
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." Proverbs 24:10
I woke up this morning with a renewed fighting spirit. Despair has tried to set in as I battle once again the war that rages within me. I found my deepest darkest place earlier this week. My reflection revealed the hard cold truth of what my future holds: UNCERTAINTY is the only CERTAINTY.
That is true for each of us, but for those of us that battle chronic illness we know that there is no stability to our state of health. Each day presents some sort of challenge. It may be extreme fatigue, nausea, abdominal pain, mental fog, joint pain, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, or vertigo. Those are a few of the symptoms that Crohn's disease likes to throw at me on a daily basis.
I was reminded this week that I am among the handful of many Crohn's patients that do not respond well to conventional treatment. I started with oral medications and worked my way up the chain to the big guns of IBD: the biological agents. I have now successfully failed treatment with Humira and Enbrel. Failing treatment means that my body is still in turmoil, attacking itself, wild with inflammation despite attempts to suppress it.
It's not a fun feeling at all. :) I sleep more than anyone knows or realizes. It's shameful and something you want to hide as not to be perceived as "lazy". Plans are constantly canceled, commitments are broken daily. Essentially, you feel as though you are a prisoner in your own body.
I write this NOT for sympathy but for a few simple reasons:
1.) I need to put my feelings down in writing and commit TODAY (thank you, Amy) that I will keep fighting even when it seems hopeless. Crohn's is NOT welcome in my body and I will do everything in my power to destroy it and not let it destroy me.
2.) I want to bring awareness to a silent killer that physicians still don't know how to treat at its worst. Many Crohnies will die under the guise of "infection" or from a lymphoma/cancer that was caused by the treatments that give us quality of life. Yet another case of the treatment killing us rather than the disease itself. Trust me, I would LOVE to not undergo treatment at all. I have tried to come off my biologic once before and it was not a pretty sight. For some of us, it's not an option to come off our medication unless we want a one-way ticket out of this world. :)
3.) We ALL have our struggles and none of them are more or less important than the others. Whatever your challenge is today affects you just as mine affects me. Perhaps at a different magnitude, but nonetheless, it is your battle.
So today, let's commit to fighting our battles. Whatever it is you have given up on (or almost given up on) RENEW your courage and strength TODAY. Don't stop fighting. There are many who struggle with you.
I ran today and it was a far cry from Ironman training. I ran two miles easy and will run another two later today. My new training plan is to get as strong as I can before starting Remicade and during the course of treatment stay strong, focused and determined.
Let's train together to fight our current and upcoming battles. Renew your commitment today to fight for what you believe in. For me, it's my health, family and loved ones. I can't give up. I believe God has bigger and better plans for me in this life.
I am going to post this raw and unedited so forgive my mistakes. Thanks for all those who support me on a daily basis.
Final thought:
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
-Helen Keller
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life Is Like 400-meter Repeats..!
Last night I hosted the FTC (Frisco Triathlon Club) speed workout at Griffin Parc track.
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
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