It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. For those who know me, you know this is not terribly uncommon. I often awaken late at night, hungry! Sometimes the nocturnal hunger comes from increasing my training volume and not getting enough calories during the day. Times like these, it's after a long stretch of being sick and not being able to eat much for days or weeks at a time.
So, I have had my snack, and need to go back to bed. However, I want to scream and shout and let it all out (yes, that's a song!) instead. I want to go for a run in the moonlight because I can. I want to feel my heart rate increase and the blood pump through my veins, because I CAN. I want to celebrate feeling GOOD again and being able to participate in LIFE for an entire day yesterday with my boys.
I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but for me it is a huge victory! It is the first day in weeks or perhaps months that I have not had to crawl back in bed during the day because my body won't function and the pain/fatigue is severe.
Seeing the sunlight through my blinds and wanting so badly to be out participating in life had become an all too familiar feeling. Having the energy today to do anything besides go to work and come right home to "crash" has been A-MAZING.
I am up at 3:00am because I want to enjoy each precious pain-free moment. It may be late/early, but my head is clear. My fingers aren't hurting as I type and I am not dizzy or nauseated. My stomach and back are NOT cramping as I type and the sharp, hot knife that has been plunging in both, has been removed.
I know better than to bank on better days ahead. All I can do is enjoy this very moment and soak in the joy of being able to participate in life again. I held my boys way too long last night and we stayed up way too late. I have no regrets and neither do they. I can't tell you how many times my 8-year-old told me he loved me yesterday and that he was so glad I was feeling better. At one point he asked me if this was a miracle that I was feeling so much better. It kills me that he has had to observe his mom being so sick for most of his life. My 4-year-old knows nothing else. It is normal for him to have a sick mom. They both know they have a mom who lives each day in chunks/blocks: sleep, activity, sleep, activity, sleep, activity, and then sleep some more.
Thank God for yesterday. I woke up, we went to worship service, lunch, and then had a FULL day at Hawaiian Falls, followed by ice cream. I did not have one dizzy spell or nausea. I was not in a daze or "trying not to pass out" at any point in time yesterday. When we came home, I had the energy to play with the boys and do their nightly routine (bath/stories). Walking up the stairs was not a nightmare yesterday and I did it multiple times without joint pain, JUST BECAUSE I COULD!
I wish I did not have to rely on modern medicine. I have tried every diet and supplement known to man to try and abate the symptoms of my Crohn's Disease. I have learned that I can do the best I can to stay strong and healthy, but much of it is beyond my control. I have learned to rely on the only one who truly knows my health and my future: My Creator.
I know not how many days on this earth I have to live but He does. He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows how my life will play out until the end. If ever a time to praise Him for allowing me to continue living and enjoying my life it is NOW.
So at 3:00am I REJOICE in gladness and in health. Remicade may be my miracle drug for now and I will appreciate each and every moment that I can. I will not take one single moment for granted. No, I am not fighting cancer. I don't really have a chance to "beat" this nor does it have a solid "end" point. My disease is a silent killer with no cure. It wants to destroy my insides and does so with all its inflammation and power. On the outside I look no different from anyone else. To many, I am a "picture of health". Trust me when I say it's because I have trained for years and years to keep this body strong and my life depends on it. I want to maintain a strong temple that is prepared for battle at all times.
The medications I take to give me hope and life may very well cause cancer one day. They subject me to infection, other diseases, and I must be monitored closely to watch for toxic effects on my organs.
I take these risks to embrace time outside these walls. Time with my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my new friends, my FTC athletes and Strong Women (who I adore) and my best friend/biggest cheerleader, Sean. I want more time with all of them.
For now I will resist the urge to run in the moonlight! I will at least wait a few more hours and try to get a little more sleep so I am not too tired tomorrow. :)
If you aren't enjoying each and EVERY second of your good health, I beg you to do so. It is a GIFT. I challenge you today to cherish that gift and be thankful. Have a little more patience with your children today, hug them just a little bit longer, smile at a stranger, listen to a friend, remind those close to you of how much you love them, and DANCE because you CAN! Celebrate because life is worth celebrating, and so are YOU.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sliding Doors
It's that mistake you made that had consequences. It's that mistake you made that nobody knew about. It's that plane you missed, the guy/girl you "gave a chance" when you were single, or maybe it's the day you took the stairs instead of the elevator. It's the little things like that in life that simply passed you by, or did they?
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." Proverbs 24:10
I woke up this morning with a renewed fighting spirit. Despair has tried to set in as I battle once again the war that rages within me. I found my deepest darkest place earlier this week. My reflection revealed the hard cold truth of what my future holds: UNCERTAINTY is the only CERTAINTY.
That is true for each of us, but for those of us that battle chronic illness we know that there is no stability to our state of health. Each day presents some sort of challenge. It may be extreme fatigue, nausea, abdominal pain, mental fog, joint pain, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, or vertigo. Those are a few of the symptoms that Crohn's disease likes to throw at me on a daily basis.
I was reminded this week that I am among the handful of many Crohn's patients that do not respond well to conventional treatment. I started with oral medications and worked my way up the chain to the big guns of IBD: the biological agents. I have now successfully failed treatment with Humira and Enbrel. Failing treatment means that my body is still in turmoil, attacking itself, wild with inflammation despite attempts to suppress it.
It's not a fun feeling at all. :) I sleep more than anyone knows or realizes. It's shameful and something you want to hide as not to be perceived as "lazy". Plans are constantly canceled, commitments are broken daily. Essentially, you feel as though you are a prisoner in your own body.
I write this NOT for sympathy but for a few simple reasons:
1.) I need to put my feelings down in writing and commit TODAY (thank you, Amy) that I will keep fighting even when it seems hopeless. Crohn's is NOT welcome in my body and I will do everything in my power to destroy it and not let it destroy me.
2.) I want to bring awareness to a silent killer that physicians still don't know how to treat at its worst. Many Crohnies will die under the guise of "infection" or from a lymphoma/cancer that was caused by the treatments that give us quality of life. Yet another case of the treatment killing us rather than the disease itself. Trust me, I would LOVE to not undergo treatment at all. I have tried to come off my biologic once before and it was not a pretty sight. For some of us, it's not an option to come off our medication unless we want a one-way ticket out of this world. :)
3.) We ALL have our struggles and none of them are more or less important than the others. Whatever your challenge is today affects you just as mine affects me. Perhaps at a different magnitude, but nonetheless, it is your battle.
So today, let's commit to fighting our battles. Whatever it is you have given up on (or almost given up on) RENEW your courage and strength TODAY. Don't stop fighting. There are many who struggle with you.
I ran today and it was a far cry from Ironman training. I ran two miles easy and will run another two later today. My new training plan is to get as strong as I can before starting Remicade and during the course of treatment stay strong, focused and determined.
Let's train together to fight our current and upcoming battles. Renew your commitment today to fight for what you believe in. For me, it's my health, family and loved ones. I can't give up. I believe God has bigger and better plans for me in this life.
I am going to post this raw and unedited so forgive my mistakes. Thanks for all those who support me on a daily basis.
Final thought:
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
-Helen Keller
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life Is Like 400-meter Repeats..!
Last night I hosted the FTC (Frisco Triathlon Club) speed workout at Griffin Parc track.
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Scars and Stripes
After some encouragement from friends, I decided to start blogging again. I initiated the blog, "IronCrohnie" shortly after being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease at the beginning of 2010 and enjoyed recounting my whirlwind encounters with the disease along with my endurance training.
It's been way too long since I've blogged and hopefully I will find the time now to begin again. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic. Perhaps it's a way to release and organize the thoughts that scurry through my mind or maybe just to capture a particular moment in time with unedited emotion.
In any case, it was fun to read back over my blogs from two years ago.
Many things have changed since then and while I didn't journal my thoughts and emotions during that time frame, there were many lessons learned. I am still plagued with Crohn's Disease and not a day goes by when I am not reminded that I have a chronic illness. I am still stubborn, still love competing in triathlons, and still trying to live life to its fullest. I am also currently in the process of becoming an advocate for Crohn's Disease. I hope to do so on a national level to raise awareness for an incurable cause that I believe is neglected and misunderstood. The challenges patients with Crohn's Disease face on a daily basis is rarely discussed nor recognized.
I firmly believe that with each challenge we face, we become stronger. Along with these challenges, emotional scars may develop over time.
What is a scar anyway? Merriam-Webster defines a scar as a "mark left by injured tissue" and "a mark or indentation resulting from damage or wear."
I saw a sign that I liked and I posted to my Facebook profile. It was written regarding Crohn's Disease Awareness. The sign states: "Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
I've been forced recently to look more closely at some of my own scars. Both physical and emotional scars.
When a physical injury occurs, fibrous tissue builds up in its place to repair the wound. This new fibrous tissue becomes strong over time. It's tougher than the old tissue. It is more firm, less delicate, less likely to be penetrated but it's certainly not the same skin/tissue that was there before. It's new and it's different.
Some people attempt to hide their scars. They buy the latest/greatest skin creams and get treatments in hopes to erase these physical scars. Scars are perceived by many as "ugly" or by others, "battle wounds".
Scars are usually considered undesirable, but why should they be? They tell a story.
Emotional scars, like physical scars, cause the human soul to develop a tough fibrous covering. Protection from what hurt them. These coverings have a memory of their own and painful memories can be activated or triggered by certain actions or events. Over time the new covering becomes so tough and so thick that it's difficult to get back to the fresh tissue or soul. It's difficult to get back to the raw essence of who we are and what caused us to "build up the wall" in the first place.
But like physical scars, the "fibrous tissue" of emotional scars starts off very fragile and sensitive. Over time, it toughens up and begins to callous. What we do with these new scars and how we allow them to affect or define us is now in our hands.
We may suddenly feel less delicate as our hearts harden, less likely to allow others to penetrate through the wall we have built to protect ourselves, and even feel "ugly" or less desirable to others.
It's time to change our way of thinking about scars. We earn our "scars" as we climb the ranks in this life. We receive our own "stripes" in life as we tackle and conquer our goals and dreams while progressing through life. It's time to consider our scars as a part of who we are and what makes us stronger individuals.
What brought us where we are today and makes us WHO we are has likely included many a scar and many a stripe.
May we wear them proudly because it means we are stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt us!
Examine your scars today. How have they healed or how are they healing? Do you try to cover them with expensive treatments or rid them with other remedies? Are your scars keeping you from doing what you want to do with your life?
Do you find yourself thinking you are unworthy of success? Unworthy of love?
If so, take a second look at your scars. See the BEAUTY that lies within them. See the magical way that layer after layer has lined up to patch a worn, damaged wound. Look at the miraculous way that we were made/designed to develop new fibrous coverings or SCARS to heal our wounds. That new skin comes back stronger for a reason. It comes back thicker and more resilient for a reason.
That reason is WHO YOU ARE TODAY. You are constantly being molded and shaped into an irreplaceable, amazing, unique MASTERPIECE.
Find the beauty in your scars, both physical and emotional. Take time to nurture yourself and your inner spirit. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make the same mistake twice. Be the best that you can be every day from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed. Look in the mirror and love yourself, "scars and stripes" included! :) You have earned them.
It's been way too long since I've blogged and hopefully I will find the time now to begin again. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic. Perhaps it's a way to release and organize the thoughts that scurry through my mind or maybe just to capture a particular moment in time with unedited emotion.
In any case, it was fun to read back over my blogs from two years ago.
Many things have changed since then and while I didn't journal my thoughts and emotions during that time frame, there were many lessons learned. I am still plagued with Crohn's Disease and not a day goes by when I am not reminded that I have a chronic illness. I am still stubborn, still love competing in triathlons, and still trying to live life to its fullest. I am also currently in the process of becoming an advocate for Crohn's Disease. I hope to do so on a national level to raise awareness for an incurable cause that I believe is neglected and misunderstood. The challenges patients with Crohn's Disease face on a daily basis is rarely discussed nor recognized.
I firmly believe that with each challenge we face, we become stronger. Along with these challenges, emotional scars may develop over time.
What is a scar anyway? Merriam-Webster defines a scar as a "mark left by injured tissue" and "a mark or indentation resulting from damage or wear."
I saw a sign that I liked and I posted to my Facebook profile. It was written regarding Crohn's Disease Awareness. The sign states: "Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
I've been forced recently to look more closely at some of my own scars. Both physical and emotional scars.
When a physical injury occurs, fibrous tissue builds up in its place to repair the wound. This new fibrous tissue becomes strong over time. It's tougher than the old tissue. It is more firm, less delicate, less likely to be penetrated but it's certainly not the same skin/tissue that was there before. It's new and it's different.
Some people attempt to hide their scars. They buy the latest/greatest skin creams and get treatments in hopes to erase these physical scars. Scars are perceived by many as "ugly" or by others, "battle wounds".
Scars are usually considered undesirable, but why should they be? They tell a story.
Emotional scars, like physical scars, cause the human soul to develop a tough fibrous covering. Protection from what hurt them. These coverings have a memory of their own and painful memories can be activated or triggered by certain actions or events. Over time the new covering becomes so tough and so thick that it's difficult to get back to the fresh tissue or soul. It's difficult to get back to the raw essence of who we are and what caused us to "build up the wall" in the first place.
But like physical scars, the "fibrous tissue" of emotional scars starts off very fragile and sensitive. Over time, it toughens up and begins to callous. What we do with these new scars and how we allow them to affect or define us is now in our hands.
We may suddenly feel less delicate as our hearts harden, less likely to allow others to penetrate through the wall we have built to protect ourselves, and even feel "ugly" or less desirable to others.
It's time to change our way of thinking about scars. We earn our "scars" as we climb the ranks in this life. We receive our own "stripes" in life as we tackle and conquer our goals and dreams while progressing through life. It's time to consider our scars as a part of who we are and what makes us stronger individuals.
What brought us where we are today and makes us WHO we are has likely included many a scar and many a stripe.
May we wear them proudly because it means we are stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt us!
Examine your scars today. How have they healed or how are they healing? Do you try to cover them with expensive treatments or rid them with other remedies? Are your scars keeping you from doing what you want to do with your life?
Do you find yourself thinking you are unworthy of success? Unworthy of love?
If so, take a second look at your scars. See the BEAUTY that lies within them. See the magical way that layer after layer has lined up to patch a worn, damaged wound. Look at the miraculous way that we were made/designed to develop new fibrous coverings or SCARS to heal our wounds. That new skin comes back stronger for a reason. It comes back thicker and more resilient for a reason.
That reason is WHO YOU ARE TODAY. You are constantly being molded and shaped into an irreplaceable, amazing, unique MASTERPIECE.
Find the beauty in your scars, both physical and emotional. Take time to nurture yourself and your inner spirit. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make the same mistake twice. Be the best that you can be every day from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed. Look in the mirror and love yourself, "scars and stripes" included! :) You have earned them.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Back To Reality...
It's been awhile since I have written. Actually, I just checked and it has been a full month since my last post. During the past few weeks, I have been faced once again with the reality of living with a chronic disease. Most of the time, I tend to live in a blissful state of denial: I am not sick. I am too healthy to be sick. :)
Crohn's Disease can fool the best of us. Or should I say, the best of "you"? We appear healthy on the outside. Athletes, business men/women, active moms, dads, we has no "stereotypical" look. Oh wait-sometimes we do. When an intestinal flare occurs, if it is bad enough, we lose lots of weight, look really sick and pale. Then the doctors hit us hard with steroids to decrease the battle going on inside of our guts. The Prednisone has evil side effects (mood swings, facial hair, hair loss, acne), but my favorite is the big round "moon face" that we get. Some Crohnie's gain 15-20 pounds while on Prednisone for just a few months.
In any case, I don't look sick to most of those close to me. Most people would never guess that I have a chronic illness that will shorten my life. I like to keep it that way! :)
My last posts were full of good reports. I was feeling WONDERFUL and couldn't believe it. I enjoyed every bit of feeling great while it lasted. Unfortunately, things have changed. The joint pain that came on after my September surgery, has come back with a vengeance. Increasing my 6-MP kept it under control for a couple of glorious months. About a month ago, it came back. Each day it got progressively worse. I realized that I was having trouble once again opening bottles and writing. Sleeping has become difficult again because any joint that I lay on starts hurting and awakens me. The first steps out of bed or out of a chair feel like my feet and ankles are going to break in half. I could go on, but I won't. Let's just say most of the time I feel like I have the flu, along with the joint pain that accompanies it.
Recurring or new symptoms always mean more tests!
My GI physicians (I now have two of them) were on a mission to see if they were missing some active Crohn's in my intestines. This would "make sense" of my recurrent joint pain. First step, was a Wireless Capsule Endoscopy (camera pill). Before ingesting the horse pill, I had to drink a bottle of magnesium citrate. This part of the prep did not go so well for me. It landed us in the emergency room for a very long night of more tests/scans. My belly blew up and I looked about 7 months pregnant. The nurses laughed at me because they said I was so "tiny" yet looked like I was about to "pop".
I struggled through the rest of the prep and was deemed safe to proceed with the endoscopy. After a long and miserable few days, the test was complete. The results, however, were inconclusive. GI Number Two decided that an additional test was necessary because he could not see enough of the small intestine. So, as soon as I was recovered from the first test, I found myself (once again) in the hospital for several hours, prepping for a second procedure/test. Once again, my body did not do well with the test prep. Perhaps it was the 3 bottles of contrast I was required to drink! Three days of pain, nausea, and abdominal distention LATER...the doctor called with the "good news". After being almost certain I had another stricture in my intestines, the tests were all negative, reflecting that there was NO active Crohn's disease in the intestines.
Awesome news (ahem), but what about the fact that I am still gimping around like an 80-year-old woman? Second trip to the rheumatologist comes into play. The doctors have their pow-wow, and decide that it is time to bring out the "big guns" in the treatment of my Crohn's Disease.
Next week, I begin the biological agent called Humira. I will give myself injections every other week. This drug is a Tumor Necrosis Factor inhibitor. It will block my body's production of TNF that is causing all of this extraordinary inflammation.
If you want a good scare, just read the list of side effects for Humira! It is not something that you want to jump straight into without some good thought. However, we have now exhausted just about every other option. Yes, I have tried diet modification, herbs, and even acupuncture in the past. I have tried (and failed) the traditional oral medications for my condition. And no, Tylenol and/or Advil do not work. Not even close. Plus, Chronie's can't take anti-inflammatories. Oh, and prescription pain killers will take the edge off the pain, but wreak havoc on the rest of your system. They are a "no-go" for me.
With an auto-immune disorder, you must tackle the root of the problem or the side effects will not cease. For me, this means suppressing a whacked out immune system that perceives good things as foreign and goes into attack mode. I guess after my diseased intestine was removed, Mr. Crohn's moved on to bigger and better things: my joints. :)
And so, we embark upon a new adventure with biologics next week. It is not a decision that was taken lightly. Trust me!! If I could ditch all my medications and go the holistic route, I WOULD. However, that route would likely send me to my grave much, much sooner. Therefore, I rely on modern medicine. Modern medicine and prayer. I don't pray for a cure or for healing. That is not how I pray. The God to whom I pray has a grand plan for each of us. HE knows what HE is doing. Sometimes healing and/or "cures" are not in His plan. That doesn't mean I am not worthy of healing, or that I don't hope for relief. Of course I do. I am very strong and very stubborn. Not many things stop me from doing what I want to do in this life. I can still cycle 80 miles when I want to and if I am having a "good" joint day. As long as my joints stay in motion, they are happy. In fact, I am encouraged to exercise every day. But for me, it is getting harder to WANT to, because of the pain. If you know me at all, you KNOW that is a huge problem. :)
What I do pray for is peace on this journey. May I do what I am meant to do in this life and in the short time I am here. None of us are promised another day. May I always encourage others to give their best and not to give up when the going gets rough. I also struggle with feeling like a burden to my family and friends. I have the most wonderful husband who takes over more than his share at times when I literally cannot move. My friends and athletes are also the BEST. But I want to SEE them more, and feel well enough again to get out with them and take their calls in a more timely fashion. I want to be able to play actively with my boys again, and not dread even going up the stairs to their rooms!
Lots of things still left to do. Lots of love to give, goals to reach, dreams to build.
So for now...it is "back to reality" for me and Mr. Crohn's. But next week, the new fight begins. New treatment will start and you can believe that my will to get better is even stronger than ever. Look out! You should know by now....I. DON'T. GIVE. UP! :)
Crohn's Disease can fool the best of us. Or should I say, the best of "you"? We appear healthy on the outside. Athletes, business men/women, active moms, dads, we has no "stereotypical" look. Oh wait-sometimes we do. When an intestinal flare occurs, if it is bad enough, we lose lots of weight, look really sick and pale. Then the doctors hit us hard with steroids to decrease the battle going on inside of our guts. The Prednisone has evil side effects (mood swings, facial hair, hair loss, acne), but my favorite is the big round "moon face" that we get. Some Crohnie's gain 15-20 pounds while on Prednisone for just a few months.
In any case, I don't look sick to most of those close to me. Most people would never guess that I have a chronic illness that will shorten my life. I like to keep it that way! :)
My last posts were full of good reports. I was feeling WONDERFUL and couldn't believe it. I enjoyed every bit of feeling great while it lasted. Unfortunately, things have changed. The joint pain that came on after my September surgery, has come back with a vengeance. Increasing my 6-MP kept it under control for a couple of glorious months. About a month ago, it came back. Each day it got progressively worse. I realized that I was having trouble once again opening bottles and writing. Sleeping has become difficult again because any joint that I lay on starts hurting and awakens me. The first steps out of bed or out of a chair feel like my feet and ankles are going to break in half. I could go on, but I won't. Let's just say most of the time I feel like I have the flu, along with the joint pain that accompanies it.
Recurring or new symptoms always mean more tests!
My GI physicians (I now have two of them) were on a mission to see if they were missing some active Crohn's in my intestines. This would "make sense" of my recurrent joint pain. First step, was a Wireless Capsule Endoscopy (camera pill). Before ingesting the horse pill, I had to drink a bottle of magnesium citrate. This part of the prep did not go so well for me. It landed us in the emergency room for a very long night of more tests/scans. My belly blew up and I looked about 7 months pregnant. The nurses laughed at me because they said I was so "tiny" yet looked like I was about to "pop".
I struggled through the rest of the prep and was deemed safe to proceed with the endoscopy. After a long and miserable few days, the test was complete. The results, however, were inconclusive. GI Number Two decided that an additional test was necessary because he could not see enough of the small intestine. So, as soon as I was recovered from the first test, I found myself (once again) in the hospital for several hours, prepping for a second procedure/test. Once again, my body did not do well with the test prep. Perhaps it was the 3 bottles of contrast I was required to drink! Three days of pain, nausea, and abdominal distention LATER...the doctor called with the "good news". After being almost certain I had another stricture in my intestines, the tests were all negative, reflecting that there was NO active Crohn's disease in the intestines.
Awesome news (ahem), but what about the fact that I am still gimping around like an 80-year-old woman? Second trip to the rheumatologist comes into play. The doctors have their pow-wow, and decide that it is time to bring out the "big guns" in the treatment of my Crohn's Disease.
Next week, I begin the biological agent called Humira. I will give myself injections every other week. This drug is a Tumor Necrosis Factor inhibitor. It will block my body's production of TNF that is causing all of this extraordinary inflammation.
If you want a good scare, just read the list of side effects for Humira! It is not something that you want to jump straight into without some good thought. However, we have now exhausted just about every other option. Yes, I have tried diet modification, herbs, and even acupuncture in the past. I have tried (and failed) the traditional oral medications for my condition. And no, Tylenol and/or Advil do not work. Not even close. Plus, Chronie's can't take anti-inflammatories. Oh, and prescription pain killers will take the edge off the pain, but wreak havoc on the rest of your system. They are a "no-go" for me.
With an auto-immune disorder, you must tackle the root of the problem or the side effects will not cease. For me, this means suppressing a whacked out immune system that perceives good things as foreign and goes into attack mode. I guess after my diseased intestine was removed, Mr. Crohn's moved on to bigger and better things: my joints. :)
And so, we embark upon a new adventure with biologics next week. It is not a decision that was taken lightly. Trust me!! If I could ditch all my medications and go the holistic route, I WOULD. However, that route would likely send me to my grave much, much sooner. Therefore, I rely on modern medicine. Modern medicine and prayer. I don't pray for a cure or for healing. That is not how I pray. The God to whom I pray has a grand plan for each of us. HE knows what HE is doing. Sometimes healing and/or "cures" are not in His plan. That doesn't mean I am not worthy of healing, or that I don't hope for relief. Of course I do. I am very strong and very stubborn. Not many things stop me from doing what I want to do in this life. I can still cycle 80 miles when I want to and if I am having a "good" joint day. As long as my joints stay in motion, they are happy. In fact, I am encouraged to exercise every day. But for me, it is getting harder to WANT to, because of the pain. If you know me at all, you KNOW that is a huge problem. :)
What I do pray for is peace on this journey. May I do what I am meant to do in this life and in the short time I am here. None of us are promised another day. May I always encourage others to give their best and not to give up when the going gets rough. I also struggle with feeling like a burden to my family and friends. I have the most wonderful husband who takes over more than his share at times when I literally cannot move. My friends and athletes are also the BEST. But I want to SEE them more, and feel well enough again to get out with them and take their calls in a more timely fashion. I want to be able to play actively with my boys again, and not dread even going up the stairs to their rooms!
Lots of things still left to do. Lots of love to give, goals to reach, dreams to build.
So for now...it is "back to reality" for me and Mr. Crohn's. But next week, the new fight begins. New treatment will start and you can believe that my will to get better is even stronger than ever. Look out! You should know by now....I. DON'T. GIVE. UP! :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
"I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends...."
Most of us have friends. There are "friends" and there are FRIENDS. Know what I mean? Besties, BFF's, soul sister/bro, whatever you want to call them. They are the ones that are always there for you. When you find yourself in the darkest of hours, a FRIEND will grab your hand and guide you back to the light.
I have been blessed beyond measure to have amazing girlfriends. You know who you are, and you know that I don't know where I would be without you. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for always loving me, and taking the time to listen or show that you care.
This past year was a difficult one. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness "rained on my parade" of life. But during that rain, I had some pretty hefty "umbrellas". My FRIENDS. They covered me and protected me when I needed it most. At times, I found myself literally standing in the pouring rain. Overwhelmed with life, I made mistakes that should have never been made. Yet my "umbrellas" came to the rescue. They never fail, they never "break" and I wouldn't "return" them for anything in the world.
They are selfless, giving, patient and kind. I only hope I can show them half of the love they have shown to me.
Last year, three of my best friends flew all the way to Utah just to see me attempt my first Ironman. After learning that my parents would not be able to make the trip, they decided they would go and be my support. They helped my husband with the kids, and helped me survive the week leading up to the event.
The night before the event, they decorated our rental house with streamers, balloons, and signs. They shoe-polished our rental cars. "You can do it, Marcia!" and "Marcia is our Ironwoman". Of course, my favorite, "FINISH STRONG".
On race day, they got up before the sun came up just to see me off for the day. Then, they began their own "Ironman" day. What a long day for them as they chased my kids around, found me along parts of the routes, held up their homemade signs.
Just knowing they were there for me, was HUGE. They believed in me, no matter what. They were proud of me whether I finished or not. There was one point during the 15-hour-day that I did not know if I would finish the race. I was in so much pain from the intestinal stricture, that I was doubled over and miserable. My friends and family were worried. I had worked this hard, and they wanted to see me finish. One of my best friends, Kathy Dann, is a fellow triathlete and runner. Kathy had endured her own set of problems that spring. She had just recovered from a fractured ankle/foot.
I can't tell you how touched I was when I looked over and saw Kathy running alongside the course by me on the marathon. She didn't say a word. She just ran silently. There was a look of concern on her face. She knew I was hurting and I could tell by the look on her face, that she was hurting for ME. I would disappear into the hills and obscured areas for a mile or two on the course, and then come back
out on the main road. Every time I came back out, Kathy was there waiting to run silently beside me. Just knowing she was there, made me feel encouraged and strong.
FRIENDS. That's what they do. They lift us up when we need it most. They sacrifice things in their lives to help us get through tough times. I feel as though my poor friends got more than they bargained for with me! Accidents, surgeries, traumas, Crohn's Disease, my friends have never left my side.
I am blessed to have had two of these girls in my life since I was 9 years old. Wow! That is a LONG time. These girls are my sisters. They have stepped in over the years and been closer than family. Emergency hospitalization and surgery in September, brought all of these girls to my side. What my husband and I would have done without them that first few days, I have no clue. They took over my care, the care of my kids, and ran my household until my family could get to town.
My FRIENDS, are my "umbrellas" and also my angels. I am extremely thankful to have such strong women in my life.
They also challenge me to step up my game. I want to make sure that I would do the same for them, or someone else in need. Sometimes we get the biggest blessing from helping others, but first we must take the time to give of ourselves. Let go of our pride and judgement and see other people for who they are. Accept all of their flaws and continue to love them. Knowing that none of us are perfect and that we all fall short sometimes.
I challenge you to take the opportunity to truly thank the strong, positive people in your life. You wouldn't be where you are today without them. I also challenge you to BE the kind of friend that you would like to have. Go that extra mile, break out of your comfort zone, take that risk. It will not go without notice or without appreciation.
Giving of yourself and your time to be a FRIEND, and not just a "friend" is one of the best things you can do for yourself and others.
Thank you, Esther, Jamie, and Kathy. You are my FRIENDS (along with so many more). Without you three as my "umbrellas" this past year, I would literally be soaked! :)
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