"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24
Exercise may or may not be for you. You may joke that the only time you run is if someone is chasing you! There's all sort of runners in this world. Personally, I love to run. I find comfort and strength in a good hard run. It's a way to release stress and gather my thoughts. I'm not the fastest or best runner by any means, but I try to enjoy every run and make it count.
Whether you realize it or not you are running a race. We all are. Life is a race. It's not about how fast you run or the length of time it took you to finish. In fact, the act of "running" is actually just a forward motion. Envision yourself going through each day. Each moment of your life is a part of your journey. There is no turning back, only that forward motion. One day your race will be over and all that will be left is a memory. A memory and your legacy.
What kind of race are you running? Do you grumble and complain from one day to the next? Is your race full of excuses why your performance could have been better? Do you get easily distracted and easily persuaded by others? When the world tells you to turn right because that's where the party is, do you listen? :) Or perhaps others try to convince you to quit, depriving you of the confidence it takes to finish strong.
Hopefully by comparison, you are a cheerful runner! One who chooses to run fastidiously from one strength to another ready to take on every challenge. Other runners admire you because you press ahead faithfully, persistently, and give all that you have.
A steadfast runner doesn't look left or right but instead stays focused on the finish line and the ultimate prize. As they keep their eye on the mark others see their fierce determination and choose to emulate such dedication. A spark is ignited and the desire to achieve a grand finish becomes infectious.
When it comes to this life, we are each given just one opportunity-one RACE. There will not be ONE single winner. All runners who have kept their eyes focused on the finish and kept their faith will receive the greatest prize of all. The judge of eternal life sits on His throne at the end of our journey. He does not discriminate and has given each of us the option to receive the same reward. All we have to do is accept His gift. It's free for those who accept it and believe in Him.
He has watched how we have "run" our race and He knows that we may not be the fastest runner or the one who has put in the most miles. To Him, none of that matters. What does matter is whether or not we've chosen to stay on the course and finish the race. Did we keep or lose our faith? Did we waver or stay strong and committed?
The race I am running is already filled with imperfections and many mistakes. I try to learn from each one so that I won't repeat them in the future.
What I would like for people to see is a fierce determination and steadfast runner who refuses to give up. A runner who keeps her eyes on the finish, has a love for others, a love for life, and a love for Christ. I want to stay the course so that when I take my last breath, I will know WITHOUT question that "I fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have KEPT the faith."
(2 Timothy 4:7)
For the skeptic or atheist, you may roll your eyes, laugh, or think I have lost my mind! :) All of that is okay by me. I know that my days on earth are numbered. Dealing with a debilitating chronic illness makes it even easier for me to appreciate each day, whether it be good or bad. Life is short and precious. The truth is, I will not live forever. None of us will. My life will also most likely be cut short due to my illness. How do I deal with that? I choose NOW to step up to the starting line and give it all that I have. With every ounce of faith in me, I will do my best to remain steadfast and stay the course all the way to the finish line. So what if I'm wrong and there is no God, no heaven, no "prize" at the end of this life? When I die, I just die? Nothing happens, I just slowly disintergrate underground.
If I choose not to believe and there is a God, I have everything to lose. By denying the one who gave His life to save ours, we automatically forfeit the prize at the end of our race. When that prize happens to be eternal life it's the loss of a lifetime.
So what if my beliefs are accurate? What if I told you that based on life experience, near death experiences and a whole lot of other craziness in between, I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is a God?
I can tell you now what that means for me is that I choose to run the race of a lifetime! It's the only one I have and the only chance I get. When my heart stops beating and my broken body stops, I will have reached the finish. The shell of what is left of my body will remain, but my spirit will soar for eternity. My final resting place (my prize) will be a place of no more pain, no more tears, no sadness or grief and NO MORE CROHN'S DISEASE!
I hope today that you are running the kind of race that you'd like to be running. If you aren't, it isn't too late to get back on that course!! You won't regret it and after all it IS the race of your lifetime!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
"Sometimes He Calms the Storm..
..and sometimes He calms His child."
What a month it has been for me. I have been meaning to blog and update all of my faithful friends on how well I have been doing since starting Remicade one month ago. I appreciate all of the thoughts, prayers, texts, messages, and calls inquiring about my state of health.
I received two doses of Remicade within a 2-week time period at the end of June/first of July. Since it is very similar to chemotherapy, I was pretty well knocked out of commission for the days of treatment and for several days after each dose. I called these first two doses the "double whammy". Each time after treatment, I would spike a fever and experience significant body aches and chills. Similar to the flu, all I wanted to do was to sleep, but getting comfortable enough to do so was a challenge.
Once the fever/aches and chills phase wore off, I was so exhausted that I slept for most of an 18-hour time period. Doing my job was a challenge, but I am fortunate to be able to create my own schedule and was able to see all of my patients both weeks of treatment.
Fast forward exactly one month to July 20th, and I can honestly say that the past couple of weeks has been amazing. I have had plenty of energy and been able to spend lots of precious times with my boys. My life is still ultimate chaos, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I consider myself extremely blessed and surrounded with outstanding people/athletes/friends.
Despite the current update and good news, I remain in a stormy season. After a stressful week, I was reminded last night of just how rapidly my health can deteriorate. Remicade has been known to be "liquid gold" to many patients with Crohn's and now I understand why. I almost forgot how sick I was for a couple of weeks. The occasional bout of nausea after eating or the occasional twinge of abdominal pain have been my only reminders this past two weeks. My joint pain has been significantly reduced, and the fatigue has gotten MUCH better.
However, after a demanding week, I let my mind wander last night, and my thoughts began to overwhelm me: My house was a mess, there are piles of laundry to do, my boys are out of town with their dad this weekend and I missed them like crazy already, but also worry about their safety while they are away. My job is demanding, and while I love each patient, there is lots of outside work that must be done and documented in a timely fashion. My parents left for Ireland yesterday and I worry about their safety. There are numerous other "waves" in my life: I struggle with my future as a single parent. It is not ideal, nor do I believe it is God's plan/design for our lives. I worry that my health will interfere with my ability to work and I will lose my job and house. There are times it feels as though I am all alone despite the many incredible friendships I have in my life.
I have found myself asking over and over WHEN will this storm be calmed? When will the dust settle?? When can I stop treading water and not sink? I've cried out to God to calm my storm so that I might have some rest. When I am tired and worn, I want so badly to be healthy and/or "normal" and able to weather any storm.
This past month my storms seemed to be smaller and the rain came with less frequency. Maybe my "storms" were finally beginning to calm? Maybe things were about to get better and it was about time!!
However, last night, the pressures and stress of day to day living and concerns got the best of me. The old familiar burning knife pain began twisting in my left side. According to the latest CT, this is significant inflammation in the colon. Concerning to me because the original site of inflammation and surgical site, was my ileum (causing pain on the right side). Now we know the Crohn's is also damaging my colon. The job for the Remicade is to stop the inflammation and suppress my body from attacking/destroying itself.
The nausea came hard and hit fast last night. There felt to be a second burning knife in my right lower quadrant. Each time it plunged into my abdomen it felt like bees were stinging me on the inside and clear through to my back. There was a burning sensation that I could not ignore in my upper abdomen. It felt like times in the past when I have had ulcers that were actively oozing. I laid very still in hopes that if I didn't move, I would fall asleep and wake up today feeling decent again.
Hours later, it was clear the pain wasn't going to get better, so it was time for an ER visit that included an IV fluid bolus, Morphine (pain) and Zofran for nausea. Two doses of Morphine later and a bag of saline later, I was feeling well enough to go home and sleep off the rest of the flare.
So today I am pretty much worthless. I had been hoping to spend the morning at a triathlon, racing with my tri family, but of course that didn't happen. I am disappointed to miss yet another activity, but I know that there is SO much more to life than a race.
It's almost like a slap in the face to realize that after two good weeks, the pain is still there. My storm STILL exists. Chances are, I will never escape this storm. Instead I will have to learn how to weather it with dignity and grace. Perhaps I have been praying for the wrong thing here: I wanted God to take my storms and make them sunny days again. I wanted to stop having physical pain that quickly turns into emotional pain when I feel that I have let people down or have been unable to fulfill obligations. I wanted to stop worrying about what will or won't happen in my future because of my illness and its unpredictability.
Watching life pass me by today when I would rather be out doing ANYTHING other than sitting inside staring out the window, is a difficult task at hand. But it is where I am. It is where my storm has brought me. Even on a sunny day, I feel my storm rock me to my core.
What I WANT to realize is this: The outcome of my life and my storms are out of my control. What I CAN do is ask that God calm "His child". That child is ME. I can't control things like my illness or other people's actions that might affect my life. I cannot control what happens to my boys when they are out of my sight, or my parents as they travel. What I can control is myself and my own actions. My prayer today is that I will learn to be calm. Calm, quiet, and patient amidst the storms that may come when least expected. I probably don't even need to "learn" how to be calm. All I really need to do is ACCEPT the calm within when it is clear that my external storms will not be calmed (at least not in MY timing).
Many of us are in a stormy season and are waiting to see if the storm will fade or be calmed. Let's ask ourselves this instead: Have we learned to accept the peace and calm offered to us during the midst of our storms? That peace is there, waiting to be accepted and absorbed. Have we decided to accept it?
Apparently, I haven't! One lesson I have revisited over the past 24 hours is that it is not healthy for me to worry, fear, stress, and fret over the circumstance of my life. Most of these circumstances are silly. Does it matter if the laundry gets done, the dishes put away, or the pet hair vacuumed off of the floor? Will my work still be there tomorrow if I don't finish it all today? Yes! It will. It's not going anywhere! Do people think I am a terrible mother when I get sick and can't take care of my own children? These things may matter, but certainly aren't worth the attention and stress they are demanding from me.
In the midst of it all, may I/we learn to look at the big picture and what is REALLY important in this life. May we learn to adjust our actions/attitudes to accommodate the situation, stress, or "storms" that may surround us.
For if we are to remain calm, focused and peaceful despite our circumstances, there is no doubt that we can live in peaceful existence with any storm that comes our way! If your storm isn't being calmed, learn to accept His calm, His peace in the midst of your challenge. If and when you/WE can fully accept it, perhaps we might even find ourselves saying, "LET IT RAIN!". :)
Marcia
My words/song of comfort for the day:
"All who sail the sea of faith,
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark,
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any storm,
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm,
And other times, He calms His child.
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down,
On those who hold to faith,
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet and peaceful place."
-Kevin Stokes/Tony Wood
What a month it has been for me. I have been meaning to blog and update all of my faithful friends on how well I have been doing since starting Remicade one month ago. I appreciate all of the thoughts, prayers, texts, messages, and calls inquiring about my state of health.
I received two doses of Remicade within a 2-week time period at the end of June/first of July. Since it is very similar to chemotherapy, I was pretty well knocked out of commission for the days of treatment and for several days after each dose. I called these first two doses the "double whammy". Each time after treatment, I would spike a fever and experience significant body aches and chills. Similar to the flu, all I wanted to do was to sleep, but getting comfortable enough to do so was a challenge.
Once the fever/aches and chills phase wore off, I was so exhausted that I slept for most of an 18-hour time period. Doing my job was a challenge, but I am fortunate to be able to create my own schedule and was able to see all of my patients both weeks of treatment.
Fast forward exactly one month to July 20th, and I can honestly say that the past couple of weeks has been amazing. I have had plenty of energy and been able to spend lots of precious times with my boys. My life is still ultimate chaos, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I consider myself extremely blessed and surrounded with outstanding people/athletes/friends.
Despite the current update and good news, I remain in a stormy season. After a stressful week, I was reminded last night of just how rapidly my health can deteriorate. Remicade has been known to be "liquid gold" to many patients with Crohn's and now I understand why. I almost forgot how sick I was for a couple of weeks. The occasional bout of nausea after eating or the occasional twinge of abdominal pain have been my only reminders this past two weeks. My joint pain has been significantly reduced, and the fatigue has gotten MUCH better.
However, after a demanding week, I let my mind wander last night, and my thoughts began to overwhelm me: My house was a mess, there are piles of laundry to do, my boys are out of town with their dad this weekend and I missed them like crazy already, but also worry about their safety while they are away. My job is demanding, and while I love each patient, there is lots of outside work that must be done and documented in a timely fashion. My parents left for Ireland yesterday and I worry about their safety. There are numerous other "waves" in my life: I struggle with my future as a single parent. It is not ideal, nor do I believe it is God's plan/design for our lives. I worry that my health will interfere with my ability to work and I will lose my job and house. There are times it feels as though I am all alone despite the many incredible friendships I have in my life.
I have found myself asking over and over WHEN will this storm be calmed? When will the dust settle?? When can I stop treading water and not sink? I've cried out to God to calm my storm so that I might have some rest. When I am tired and worn, I want so badly to be healthy and/or "normal" and able to weather any storm.
This past month my storms seemed to be smaller and the rain came with less frequency. Maybe my "storms" were finally beginning to calm? Maybe things were about to get better and it was about time!!
However, last night, the pressures and stress of day to day living and concerns got the best of me. The old familiar burning knife pain began twisting in my left side. According to the latest CT, this is significant inflammation in the colon. Concerning to me because the original site of inflammation and surgical site, was my ileum (causing pain on the right side). Now we know the Crohn's is also damaging my colon. The job for the Remicade is to stop the inflammation and suppress my body from attacking/destroying itself.
The nausea came hard and hit fast last night. There felt to be a second burning knife in my right lower quadrant. Each time it plunged into my abdomen it felt like bees were stinging me on the inside and clear through to my back. There was a burning sensation that I could not ignore in my upper abdomen. It felt like times in the past when I have had ulcers that were actively oozing. I laid very still in hopes that if I didn't move, I would fall asleep and wake up today feeling decent again.
Hours later, it was clear the pain wasn't going to get better, so it was time for an ER visit that included an IV fluid bolus, Morphine (pain) and Zofran for nausea. Two doses of Morphine later and a bag of saline later, I was feeling well enough to go home and sleep off the rest of the flare.
So today I am pretty much worthless. I had been hoping to spend the morning at a triathlon, racing with my tri family, but of course that didn't happen. I am disappointed to miss yet another activity, but I know that there is SO much more to life than a race.
It's almost like a slap in the face to realize that after two good weeks, the pain is still there. My storm STILL exists. Chances are, I will never escape this storm. Instead I will have to learn how to weather it with dignity and grace. Perhaps I have been praying for the wrong thing here: I wanted God to take my storms and make them sunny days again. I wanted to stop having physical pain that quickly turns into emotional pain when I feel that I have let people down or have been unable to fulfill obligations. I wanted to stop worrying about what will or won't happen in my future because of my illness and its unpredictability.
Watching life pass me by today when I would rather be out doing ANYTHING other than sitting inside staring out the window, is a difficult task at hand. But it is where I am. It is where my storm has brought me. Even on a sunny day, I feel my storm rock me to my core.
What I WANT to realize is this: The outcome of my life and my storms are out of my control. What I CAN do is ask that God calm "His child". That child is ME. I can't control things like my illness or other people's actions that might affect my life. I cannot control what happens to my boys when they are out of my sight, or my parents as they travel. What I can control is myself and my own actions. My prayer today is that I will learn to be calm. Calm, quiet, and patient amidst the storms that may come when least expected. I probably don't even need to "learn" how to be calm. All I really need to do is ACCEPT the calm within when it is clear that my external storms will not be calmed (at least not in MY timing).
Many of us are in a stormy season and are waiting to see if the storm will fade or be calmed. Let's ask ourselves this instead: Have we learned to accept the peace and calm offered to us during the midst of our storms? That peace is there, waiting to be accepted and absorbed. Have we decided to accept it?
Apparently, I haven't! One lesson I have revisited over the past 24 hours is that it is not healthy for me to worry, fear, stress, and fret over the circumstance of my life. Most of these circumstances are silly. Does it matter if the laundry gets done, the dishes put away, or the pet hair vacuumed off of the floor? Will my work still be there tomorrow if I don't finish it all today? Yes! It will. It's not going anywhere! Do people think I am a terrible mother when I get sick and can't take care of my own children? These things may matter, but certainly aren't worth the attention and stress they are demanding from me.
In the midst of it all, may I/we learn to look at the big picture and what is REALLY important in this life. May we learn to adjust our actions/attitudes to accommodate the situation, stress, or "storms" that may surround us.
For if we are to remain calm, focused and peaceful despite our circumstances, there is no doubt that we can live in peaceful existence with any storm that comes our way! If your storm isn't being calmed, learn to accept His calm, His peace in the midst of your challenge. If and when you/WE can fully accept it, perhaps we might even find ourselves saying, "LET IT RAIN!". :)
Marcia
My words/song of comfort for the day:
"All who sail the sea of faith,
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark,
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control.
Sometimes He calms the storm,
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any storm,
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm,
And other times, He calms His child.
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down,
On those who hold to faith,
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet and peaceful place."
-Kevin Stokes/Tony Wood
Monday, June 24, 2013
I'm So Alive
It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. For those who know me, you know this is not terribly uncommon. I often awaken late at night, hungry! Sometimes the nocturnal hunger comes from increasing my training volume and not getting enough calories during the day. Times like these, it's after a long stretch of being sick and not being able to eat much for days or weeks at a time.
So, I have had my snack, and need to go back to bed. However, I want to scream and shout and let it all out (yes, that's a song!) instead. I want to go for a run in the moonlight because I can. I want to feel my heart rate increase and the blood pump through my veins, because I CAN. I want to celebrate feeling GOOD again and being able to participate in LIFE for an entire day yesterday with my boys.
I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but for me it is a huge victory! It is the first day in weeks or perhaps months that I have not had to crawl back in bed during the day because my body won't function and the pain/fatigue is severe.
Seeing the sunlight through my blinds and wanting so badly to be out participating in life had become an all too familiar feeling. Having the energy today to do anything besides go to work and come right home to "crash" has been A-MAZING.
I am up at 3:00am because I want to enjoy each precious pain-free moment. It may be late/early, but my head is clear. My fingers aren't hurting as I type and I am not dizzy or nauseated. My stomach and back are NOT cramping as I type and the sharp, hot knife that has been plunging in both, has been removed.
I know better than to bank on better days ahead. All I can do is enjoy this very moment and soak in the joy of being able to participate in life again. I held my boys way too long last night and we stayed up way too late. I have no regrets and neither do they. I can't tell you how many times my 8-year-old told me he loved me yesterday and that he was so glad I was feeling better. At one point he asked me if this was a miracle that I was feeling so much better. It kills me that he has had to observe his mom being so sick for most of his life. My 4-year-old knows nothing else. It is normal for him to have a sick mom. They both know they have a mom who lives each day in chunks/blocks: sleep, activity, sleep, activity, sleep, activity, and then sleep some more.
Thank God for yesterday. I woke up, we went to worship service, lunch, and then had a FULL day at Hawaiian Falls, followed by ice cream. I did not have one dizzy spell or nausea. I was not in a daze or "trying not to pass out" at any point in time yesterday. When we came home, I had the energy to play with the boys and do their nightly routine (bath/stories). Walking up the stairs was not a nightmare yesterday and I did it multiple times without joint pain, JUST BECAUSE I COULD!
I wish I did not have to rely on modern medicine. I have tried every diet and supplement known to man to try and abate the symptoms of my Crohn's Disease. I have learned that I can do the best I can to stay strong and healthy, but much of it is beyond my control. I have learned to rely on the only one who truly knows my health and my future: My Creator.
I know not how many days on this earth I have to live but He does. He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows how my life will play out until the end. If ever a time to praise Him for allowing me to continue living and enjoying my life it is NOW.
So at 3:00am I REJOICE in gladness and in health. Remicade may be my miracle drug for now and I will appreciate each and every moment that I can. I will not take one single moment for granted. No, I am not fighting cancer. I don't really have a chance to "beat" this nor does it have a solid "end" point. My disease is a silent killer with no cure. It wants to destroy my insides and does so with all its inflammation and power. On the outside I look no different from anyone else. To many, I am a "picture of health". Trust me when I say it's because I have trained for years and years to keep this body strong and my life depends on it. I want to maintain a strong temple that is prepared for battle at all times.
The medications I take to give me hope and life may very well cause cancer one day. They subject me to infection, other diseases, and I must be monitored closely to watch for toxic effects on my organs.
I take these risks to embrace time outside these walls. Time with my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my new friends, my FTC athletes and Strong Women (who I adore) and my best friend/biggest cheerleader, Sean. I want more time with all of them.
For now I will resist the urge to run in the moonlight! I will at least wait a few more hours and try to get a little more sleep so I am not too tired tomorrow. :)
If you aren't enjoying each and EVERY second of your good health, I beg you to do so. It is a GIFT. I challenge you today to cherish that gift and be thankful. Have a little more patience with your children today, hug them just a little bit longer, smile at a stranger, listen to a friend, remind those close to you of how much you love them, and DANCE because you CAN! Celebrate because life is worth celebrating, and so are YOU.
So, I have had my snack, and need to go back to bed. However, I want to scream and shout and let it all out (yes, that's a song!) instead. I want to go for a run in the moonlight because I can. I want to feel my heart rate increase and the blood pump through my veins, because I CAN. I want to celebrate feeling GOOD again and being able to participate in LIFE for an entire day yesterday with my boys.
I know that doesn't sound like much at all, but for me it is a huge victory! It is the first day in weeks or perhaps months that I have not had to crawl back in bed during the day because my body won't function and the pain/fatigue is severe.
Seeing the sunlight through my blinds and wanting so badly to be out participating in life had become an all too familiar feeling. Having the energy today to do anything besides go to work and come right home to "crash" has been A-MAZING.
I am up at 3:00am because I want to enjoy each precious pain-free moment. It may be late/early, but my head is clear. My fingers aren't hurting as I type and I am not dizzy or nauseated. My stomach and back are NOT cramping as I type and the sharp, hot knife that has been plunging in both, has been removed.
I know better than to bank on better days ahead. All I can do is enjoy this very moment and soak in the joy of being able to participate in life again. I held my boys way too long last night and we stayed up way too late. I have no regrets and neither do they. I can't tell you how many times my 8-year-old told me he loved me yesterday and that he was so glad I was feeling better. At one point he asked me if this was a miracle that I was feeling so much better. It kills me that he has had to observe his mom being so sick for most of his life. My 4-year-old knows nothing else. It is normal for him to have a sick mom. They both know they have a mom who lives each day in chunks/blocks: sleep, activity, sleep, activity, sleep, activity, and then sleep some more.
Thank God for yesterday. I woke up, we went to worship service, lunch, and then had a FULL day at Hawaiian Falls, followed by ice cream. I did not have one dizzy spell or nausea. I was not in a daze or "trying not to pass out" at any point in time yesterday. When we came home, I had the energy to play with the boys and do their nightly routine (bath/stories). Walking up the stairs was not a nightmare yesterday and I did it multiple times without joint pain, JUST BECAUSE I COULD!
I wish I did not have to rely on modern medicine. I have tried every diet and supplement known to man to try and abate the symptoms of my Crohn's Disease. I have learned that I can do the best I can to stay strong and healthy, but much of it is beyond my control. I have learned to rely on the only one who truly knows my health and my future: My Creator.
I know not how many days on this earth I have to live but He does. He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows how my life will play out until the end. If ever a time to praise Him for allowing me to continue living and enjoying my life it is NOW.
So at 3:00am I REJOICE in gladness and in health. Remicade may be my miracle drug for now and I will appreciate each and every moment that I can. I will not take one single moment for granted. No, I am not fighting cancer. I don't really have a chance to "beat" this nor does it have a solid "end" point. My disease is a silent killer with no cure. It wants to destroy my insides and does so with all its inflammation and power. On the outside I look no different from anyone else. To many, I am a "picture of health". Trust me when I say it's because I have trained for years and years to keep this body strong and my life depends on it. I want to maintain a strong temple that is prepared for battle at all times.
The medications I take to give me hope and life may very well cause cancer one day. They subject me to infection, other diseases, and I must be monitored closely to watch for toxic effects on my organs.
I take these risks to embrace time outside these walls. Time with my boys, my family, my lifelong friends, my new friends, my FTC athletes and Strong Women (who I adore) and my best friend/biggest cheerleader, Sean. I want more time with all of them.
For now I will resist the urge to run in the moonlight! I will at least wait a few more hours and try to get a little more sleep so I am not too tired tomorrow. :)
If you aren't enjoying each and EVERY second of your good health, I beg you to do so. It is a GIFT. I challenge you today to cherish that gift and be thankful. Have a little more patience with your children today, hug them just a little bit longer, smile at a stranger, listen to a friend, remind those close to you of how much you love them, and DANCE because you CAN! Celebrate because life is worth celebrating, and so are YOU.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sliding Doors
It's that mistake you made that had consequences. It's that mistake you made that nobody knew about. It's that plane you missed, the guy/girl you "gave a chance" when you were single, or maybe it's the day you took the stairs instead of the elevator. It's the little things like that in life that simply passed you by, or did they?
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Ever wonder what would have happened had you made a different choice? Ever wonder why you followed your gut on a decision? Better yet, ever wonder why you denied your gut feeling and went with something despite that nagging sensation that something wasn't quite right?
In our lives we encounter crossroads. Sliding doors is somewhat a metaphor for these crossroads. The slightest change in plans can make a huge difference in the final outcome. It can even be a matter of life or death for some.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. Perhaps I made a different decision on whom to marry, what profession to choose, or whether or not to be a mom.
I could spend hours wondering what might have transpired if my sliding door options had differed. I could spend days yearning for a different outcome, or "better" life.
However, when it boils down to it, I am happy with my life. The mistakes, choices and decisions I have made are responsible for the person I am today. I have absolutely, without a doubt, made poor decisions. We all have. I have hurt others without intention, because of my choices in life. At the same time, I also may have blessed others without even knowing it.
You see, there is not necessarily a right or wrong choice when it comes to the sliding doors in our lives. We experience life and become stronger, better people because of our choices. We have the option to "let go" of our poor decisions. We can learn from them and vow not to make the mistake again.
If we live with regret and focus on the "what might have been's" we are not TRULY living. Instead, we are wishing for something that was not in the blueprint of our lives. Pining for something that doesn't make up the "story" that has become our lives.
Don't waste another valuable minute pondering your sliding doors. The choices were made and made for a reason. If mistakes were involved, LEARN FROM THEM! Grow from your errors and do not repeat them.
Be thankful for your trials because they make you strong and mold you into the beautiful person that you are today. Smile when you think of that open door you could have taken but didn't. I guarantee you that door may have changed SOME things, but the grass isn't always greener elsewhere.
Cherish each day and have no regrets. Leave the past in the past where it belongs. Enjoy the present because that is exactly what it is: a GIFT! What you do with today matters, so choose wisely and choose to make a difference in the lives of those around you. Make them glad their sliding doors led them to YOU. :)
Sunday, June 9, 2013
"If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." Proverbs 24:10
I woke up this morning with a renewed fighting spirit. Despair has tried to set in as I battle once again the war that rages within me. I found my deepest darkest place earlier this week. My reflection revealed the hard cold truth of what my future holds: UNCERTAINTY is the only CERTAINTY.
That is true for each of us, but for those of us that battle chronic illness we know that there is no stability to our state of health. Each day presents some sort of challenge. It may be extreme fatigue, nausea, abdominal pain, mental fog, joint pain, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, or vertigo. Those are a few of the symptoms that Crohn's disease likes to throw at me on a daily basis.
I was reminded this week that I am among the handful of many Crohn's patients that do not respond well to conventional treatment. I started with oral medications and worked my way up the chain to the big guns of IBD: the biological agents. I have now successfully failed treatment with Humira and Enbrel. Failing treatment means that my body is still in turmoil, attacking itself, wild with inflammation despite attempts to suppress it.
It's not a fun feeling at all. :) I sleep more than anyone knows or realizes. It's shameful and something you want to hide as not to be perceived as "lazy". Plans are constantly canceled, commitments are broken daily. Essentially, you feel as though you are a prisoner in your own body.
I write this NOT for sympathy but for a few simple reasons:
1.) I need to put my feelings down in writing and commit TODAY (thank you, Amy) that I will keep fighting even when it seems hopeless. Crohn's is NOT welcome in my body and I will do everything in my power to destroy it and not let it destroy me.
2.) I want to bring awareness to a silent killer that physicians still don't know how to treat at its worst. Many Crohnies will die under the guise of "infection" or from a lymphoma/cancer that was caused by the treatments that give us quality of life. Yet another case of the treatment killing us rather than the disease itself. Trust me, I would LOVE to not undergo treatment at all. I have tried to come off my biologic once before and it was not a pretty sight. For some of us, it's not an option to come off our medication unless we want a one-way ticket out of this world. :)
3.) We ALL have our struggles and none of them are more or less important than the others. Whatever your challenge is today affects you just as mine affects me. Perhaps at a different magnitude, but nonetheless, it is your battle.
So today, let's commit to fighting our battles. Whatever it is you have given up on (or almost given up on) RENEW your courage and strength TODAY. Don't stop fighting. There are many who struggle with you.
I ran today and it was a far cry from Ironman training. I ran two miles easy and will run another two later today. My new training plan is to get as strong as I can before starting Remicade and during the course of treatment stay strong, focused and determined.
Let's train together to fight our current and upcoming battles. Renew your commitment today to fight for what you believe in. For me, it's my health, family and loved ones. I can't give up. I believe God has bigger and better plans for me in this life.
I am going to post this raw and unedited so forgive my mistakes. Thanks for all those who support me on a daily basis.
Final thought:
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
-Helen Keller
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Life Is Like 400-meter Repeats..!
Last night I hosted the FTC (Frisco Triathlon Club) speed workout at Griffin Parc track.
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
It was one of "those" days. I wasn't feeling my best and still get frustrated with the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with on a daily basis. Personal challenges lurked in the back of my mind and my list of things to do for the week kept creeping to the forefront of my thoughts.
I found myself distracted. Literally running in circles. Round and round the track I went. I started to find humor in it. I also began drawing parallels. Each time I rounded the track I thought of how each day of my life seemed to be redundant.
Sometimes the same old routine becomes daunting. Whether it be kids, a spouse, work or a hobby, each day can become a blur. The events run together in such a way that you feel as though you are running around and around a track. You aren't even getting anywhere and in fact, you are getting more tired with each lap.
Suddenly your steps feel heavy, your breathing gets labored and the thought of going around the track again (400m) or facing another day becomes a MOUNTAIN.
Before our speed workouts, I always used to tell my athletes to pace themselves. We start with a warm-up mile to loosen up our muscles and slowly raise the heart rate. Last night our warm-up was followed by a main set of 400m repeats x 8-10. One lap around the track = 400 meters.
During the main set we would push ourselves to the limit (lactate/anaerobic threshold) with each lap around the track. Our recovery time after each lap on this particular day was 60 seconds. That recovery time would give the body just enough of a chance to start clearing the lactic acid, and then we would run begin another lap. We flooded our systems time and again with the lovely toxic acid, teaching ourselves to tolerate it at higher levels. As a result over time, we learn to process it more efficiently and can tolerate higher levels of exertion with less fatigue. We become faster and stronger. More efficient.
The key to finishing 8-10 400-meter repeats at threshold, is to pace yourself. If you start out too fast, you are sure to tire, making it tough to complete the entire main set.
Over the course of the 8-10 laps, you also want to be consistent. It would do the athlete no good to jog an easy lap as part of a speed work out plan. One needs to push themselves to threshold in order to see growth and results.
The recovery minute is key. If you take too long a recovery, you will not achieve maximum results. You want repetition of the lactic acid flood, at certain intervals, and with only a certain degree of recovery in between. You must stay focused and disciplined in order to have a successful speed training session.
So last night as I ran my 400's, I began to think of my life as one big track. I ask you to do the same today. Do you blast through each day at a high speed? Are you eager to take on anything and everything with no limits? Do you find yourself overwhelmed and before you know it, burned out?
Surely if you do not pace yourself, your days become a very tough set of 400's. By number 4/10 you will be fatigued. You will find that you have overextended yourself. The duration of your workout will seem impossible to achieve. You will likely become overwhelmed, easily irritated and sometimes even feel like a failure.
Or perhaps you have the opposite problem: Perhaps you are not giving each day your ALL. Maybe you JOG the first 8/10 of your 400m repeats. You play it safe and save your energy for the last couple of laps. Very little (if anything) changes as you make your way through each lap/day. You give only a small percentage of what you are actually capable. You are saving "the best for last".
But what if you NEVER get the chance to run those last few laps? You are doing yourself a disservice by failing to give your all. You are also failing those around you who could benefit from your talents and gifts. And yes, you DO have talents and gifts that are worth sharing! Don't waste them!
The best way to tackle a set of 400's, my friends, is to BE CONSISTENT. Give your best to each lap or each day. Pace yourselves, but do not withhold your time, energy and talents. You want to finish and you want to FINISH STRONG.
You also want to make sure you take that important recovery in between laps. You need that bit of rest time before starting all over again. Before you fill your system again with all a new day has to offer you, REST. Be still and RECOVER.
Like a good speed workout, come right back out on cue, ready to go. Get after your next lap! Each one is tackled with a new sense of strength and power. You begin to crave giving your BEST and your ALL because THAT is what we are called to do. We are not called to live mediocre lives. We are called to learn each day how to be better individuals, gain strength from our experiences, and move forward with power and knowledge.
One of the greatest feelings EVER is knowing that you did your best, gave what you had to give, and became stronger and more powerful from your experience!
How are you running your main set?
Monday, May 27, 2013
Scars and Stripes
After some encouragement from friends, I decided to start blogging again. I initiated the blog, "IronCrohnie" shortly after being diagnosed with Crohn's Disease at the beginning of 2010 and enjoyed recounting my whirlwind encounters with the disease along with my endurance training.
It's been way too long since I've blogged and hopefully I will find the time now to begin again. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic. Perhaps it's a way to release and organize the thoughts that scurry through my mind or maybe just to capture a particular moment in time with unedited emotion.
In any case, it was fun to read back over my blogs from two years ago.
Many things have changed since then and while I didn't journal my thoughts and emotions during that time frame, there were many lessons learned. I am still plagued with Crohn's Disease and not a day goes by when I am not reminded that I have a chronic illness. I am still stubborn, still love competing in triathlons, and still trying to live life to its fullest. I am also currently in the process of becoming an advocate for Crohn's Disease. I hope to do so on a national level to raise awareness for an incurable cause that I believe is neglected and misunderstood. The challenges patients with Crohn's Disease face on a daily basis is rarely discussed nor recognized.
I firmly believe that with each challenge we face, we become stronger. Along with these challenges, emotional scars may develop over time.
What is a scar anyway? Merriam-Webster defines a scar as a "mark left by injured tissue" and "a mark or indentation resulting from damage or wear."
I saw a sign that I liked and I posted to my Facebook profile. It was written regarding Crohn's Disease Awareness. The sign states: "Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
I've been forced recently to look more closely at some of my own scars. Both physical and emotional scars.
When a physical injury occurs, fibrous tissue builds up in its place to repair the wound. This new fibrous tissue becomes strong over time. It's tougher than the old tissue. It is more firm, less delicate, less likely to be penetrated but it's certainly not the same skin/tissue that was there before. It's new and it's different.
Some people attempt to hide their scars. They buy the latest/greatest skin creams and get treatments in hopes to erase these physical scars. Scars are perceived by many as "ugly" or by others, "battle wounds".
Scars are usually considered undesirable, but why should they be? They tell a story.
Emotional scars, like physical scars, cause the human soul to develop a tough fibrous covering. Protection from what hurt them. These coverings have a memory of their own and painful memories can be activated or triggered by certain actions or events. Over time the new covering becomes so tough and so thick that it's difficult to get back to the fresh tissue or soul. It's difficult to get back to the raw essence of who we are and what caused us to "build up the wall" in the first place.
But like physical scars, the "fibrous tissue" of emotional scars starts off very fragile and sensitive. Over time, it toughens up and begins to callous. What we do with these new scars and how we allow them to affect or define us is now in our hands.
We may suddenly feel less delicate as our hearts harden, less likely to allow others to penetrate through the wall we have built to protect ourselves, and even feel "ugly" or less desirable to others.
It's time to change our way of thinking about scars. We earn our "scars" as we climb the ranks in this life. We receive our own "stripes" in life as we tackle and conquer our goals and dreams while progressing through life. It's time to consider our scars as a part of who we are and what makes us stronger individuals.
What brought us where we are today and makes us WHO we are has likely included many a scar and many a stripe.
May we wear them proudly because it means we are stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt us!
Examine your scars today. How have they healed or how are they healing? Do you try to cover them with expensive treatments or rid them with other remedies? Are your scars keeping you from doing what you want to do with your life?
Do you find yourself thinking you are unworthy of success? Unworthy of love?
If so, take a second look at your scars. See the BEAUTY that lies within them. See the magical way that layer after layer has lined up to patch a worn, damaged wound. Look at the miraculous way that we were made/designed to develop new fibrous coverings or SCARS to heal our wounds. That new skin comes back stronger for a reason. It comes back thicker and more resilient for a reason.
That reason is WHO YOU ARE TODAY. You are constantly being molded and shaped into an irreplaceable, amazing, unique MASTERPIECE.
Find the beauty in your scars, both physical and emotional. Take time to nurture yourself and your inner spirit. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make the same mistake twice. Be the best that you can be every day from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed. Look in the mirror and love yourself, "scars and stripes" included! :) You have earned them.
It's been way too long since I've blogged and hopefully I will find the time now to begin again. I find writing to be extremely therapeutic. Perhaps it's a way to release and organize the thoughts that scurry through my mind or maybe just to capture a particular moment in time with unedited emotion.
In any case, it was fun to read back over my blogs from two years ago.
Many things have changed since then and while I didn't journal my thoughts and emotions during that time frame, there were many lessons learned. I am still plagued with Crohn's Disease and not a day goes by when I am not reminded that I have a chronic illness. I am still stubborn, still love competing in triathlons, and still trying to live life to its fullest. I am also currently in the process of becoming an advocate for Crohn's Disease. I hope to do so on a national level to raise awareness for an incurable cause that I believe is neglected and misunderstood. The challenges patients with Crohn's Disease face on a daily basis is rarely discussed nor recognized.
I firmly believe that with each challenge we face, we become stronger. Along with these challenges, emotional scars may develop over time.
What is a scar anyway? Merriam-Webster defines a scar as a "mark left by injured tissue" and "a mark or indentation resulting from damage or wear."
I saw a sign that I liked and I posted to my Facebook profile. It was written regarding Crohn's Disease Awareness. The sign states: "Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."
I've been forced recently to look more closely at some of my own scars. Both physical and emotional scars.
When a physical injury occurs, fibrous tissue builds up in its place to repair the wound. This new fibrous tissue becomes strong over time. It's tougher than the old tissue. It is more firm, less delicate, less likely to be penetrated but it's certainly not the same skin/tissue that was there before. It's new and it's different.
Some people attempt to hide their scars. They buy the latest/greatest skin creams and get treatments in hopes to erase these physical scars. Scars are perceived by many as "ugly" or by others, "battle wounds".
Scars are usually considered undesirable, but why should they be? They tell a story.
Emotional scars, like physical scars, cause the human soul to develop a tough fibrous covering. Protection from what hurt them. These coverings have a memory of their own and painful memories can be activated or triggered by certain actions or events. Over time the new covering becomes so tough and so thick that it's difficult to get back to the fresh tissue or soul. It's difficult to get back to the raw essence of who we are and what caused us to "build up the wall" in the first place.
But like physical scars, the "fibrous tissue" of emotional scars starts off very fragile and sensitive. Over time, it toughens up and begins to callous. What we do with these new scars and how we allow them to affect or define us is now in our hands.
We may suddenly feel less delicate as our hearts harden, less likely to allow others to penetrate through the wall we have built to protect ourselves, and even feel "ugly" or less desirable to others.
It's time to change our way of thinking about scars. We earn our "scars" as we climb the ranks in this life. We receive our own "stripes" in life as we tackle and conquer our goals and dreams while progressing through life. It's time to consider our scars as a part of who we are and what makes us stronger individuals.
What brought us where we are today and makes us WHO we are has likely included many a scar and many a stripe.
May we wear them proudly because it means we are stronger than whatever it was that tried to hurt us!
Examine your scars today. How have they healed or how are they healing? Do you try to cover them with expensive treatments or rid them with other remedies? Are your scars keeping you from doing what you want to do with your life?
Do you find yourself thinking you are unworthy of success? Unworthy of love?
If so, take a second look at your scars. See the BEAUTY that lies within them. See the magical way that layer after layer has lined up to patch a worn, damaged wound. Look at the miraculous way that we were made/designed to develop new fibrous coverings or SCARS to heal our wounds. That new skin comes back stronger for a reason. It comes back thicker and more resilient for a reason.
That reason is WHO YOU ARE TODAY. You are constantly being molded and shaped into an irreplaceable, amazing, unique MASTERPIECE.
Find the beauty in your scars, both physical and emotional. Take time to nurture yourself and your inner spirit. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make the same mistake twice. Be the best that you can be every day from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed. Look in the mirror and love yourself, "scars and stripes" included! :) You have earned them.
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